Fernatical
Moist cold, sweat lodge on the rocks
Earthen soil, roots and moss
The plant kingdom conquers and stands to defend
Dark and damp unfurling leaves
Shielded by native fortifying trees
Streams run cold while insects invest in nectar
Caught in webs, and beaks of birds in nests
Stagnant pools of sky dripped down
An ambient musk permeates and expands
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,855 Reviews
I like some of the description here. The language is nice and seemingly sounded out.
I think the poem's biggest problem is that it is merely a list of things and goes no further. Punctuation would also certainly help.
And you tend to use words that are unnecessarily complex. "An ambient musk permeates and expands", "Shielded by native fortifying trees". They seem to be trying to overcompensate for the lack actual description.
Nonetheless, there were some redeeming qualities in the flow and sound of everything.
The biggest issue (and by biggest I mean it distracting from anything else the poem could possibly hold in it) is that fact that there is no punctuation at all! How is the reader supposed to know when to pause? How are they supposed to know when a thought is completed? You have to have punctuation to do this...otherwise the words all run together and none of it makes any sense at all.
Also, as stated before, there is no point here! All poetry makes a statement. It doesn't have to be a big statement...but there is also a statement made. Personally when I'm reading this I have a hard time knowing why the heck I'm supposed to care about the leaves and roots, etc? What is your point to stating all of this?
Good luck and Happy Editing!
There are words. They make up description. But, eh, I'm not sure what's being described? I'm all for parts of things spun so that they become a thing themselves, but I don't think that was the intent here. In the third line, with the plant kingdom, there's a noun that supports some of the previous description, but following that, I'm lost again. I need some verbs to tell me what's going on! ^_^
im confused....what does fernatical mean?....uhhh..
It's pretty writing, but I don't see what it is doing for me and why I should care. Also, that is all it is. Pretty writing. Where is the thing to move me to amazement over such a grand conclusion the poet reached? There was none. It's a beautiful poem, don't mistake me, but I am the kind of person who wants more than pretty words. I want a reason to reread the poem and enjoy it all over again.
"Moist cold" bothers me because I don't know whether to put a comma between the two and remove the one after cold (most, cold sweat) to say that they are both describing sweat, or is "moist" describing "cold"? It's just real... weird. The comma behind cold confuses me more than anything else.Commas leading to my next point: punctuation. Keep in mind that poetry needs grammatical structure, too. Here's an article that may help: Poetry & Punctuation.
Best of luck.